Grandma and the Vietnam War
When I was young, friends would visit, and there was one photo on the shelf that caught their attention in my room.  It was a photo of an elderly Caucasian lady and their first question to me was, “How come you didn’t take the stock photo out of the frame?”  I replied that she was my grandma, and they became even more confused because they thought I was 100% Vietnamese, so why would my grandma be white?

In 1975, my mom was working in the Saigon Adventist Hospital in Vietnam, and around April 20, conditions were deteriorating quickly in the capital with rumors that the communists would take over soon.  She witnessed firsthand horrors of the war working in the emergency room, with one memory of treating an 8-year old where a grenade had exploded near his head.  Due to the severity of the injuries, the child passed away and she grieved heavily with her family.

Similar to the fall of Afghanistan in 2021, people became desperate to get out of the country, especially if they were associated with the Americans.  Charter flights were leaving around the clock organized by the US State Department to evacuate as many people out of Vietnam as possible.

There was one charter flight where one lady was a no-show and my mom took her place.  At that moment, she left everything behind, her family, her possessions, and was only left with a US $20 dollar bill given to her.

On the other side of the Pacific Ocean, my foster grandma, Beryl Bason heard calls from the Loma Linda Adventist church about sponsoring Vietnamese refugees to help get them on their feet.  My grandma ended up hosting my mom, and two of her nursing school classmates in San Diego for a couple of months where they all went back to nursing to become certified nurses to work in the US.

My mom met my dad after immigrating to the US and settled in Orange County, California where it would end up having one of the biggest populations of Vietnamese people outside of Vietnam. 

Return to the home land part 1

It is a bit strange, but according to my parents, my first language was actually Vietnamese. They were afraid I would be confused learning two languages, so they switched to speaking to me in English when I was young.  Since then new research has shown kids can learn multiple languages without issue. Because I never learned Vietnamese formally, my proficiency was stunted, unlike my Spanish which I consider myself semi-fluent in due to four great years of education in high school.

There was a running joke that since I really didn’t look Vietnamese, my friends bought me a 23andme genetic test to settle the issue once and for all.  Funnily enough, the first result of the test showed 1% speculative European, but the results eventually tightened up to confirm that my origins are indeed 100% Vietnamese.

Most kids of immigrants make some type of ‘return to the homeland’ type journey when they are young, and for me it was when I was 13.  A priority for my parents was to meet my grandparents while they were still alive and to meet my extended family.

I have to admit, that was a rough trip.   My mom’s hometown of Tam Kỳ wasn’t really well developed and I remember when I had to go to the bathroom, it was in an outhouse not unlike a camping trip.  Hardly anyone spoke much English so I struggled talking with my cousins and just about everyone else

For some reason, my parents also had wacky expectations that after I went to Vietnam I would become fluent in Vietnamese.  Let’s just say that didn’t happen; becoming fluent in something requires understanding the foundational basics of grammar, language, and some schooling which I didn’t get.

As an adult, Vietnam was never really on my radar to visit.  I befriended some Europeans at a previous job, and they told me they spent months in the country visiting every nook and cranny.  Because of my last trip, my memories of Vietnam were primarily associated with seeing family, extended family, and more family so I didn’t get to see the country on my own terms (although I would have been too young anyways to make my own decisions).

Return to the homeland  part 2– 27 years later

In 2014, I took a trip to Mexico with my partner and parents since they had a time share in Cabo San Lucas.  It was the first international-ish trip with my parents and I was a bit nervous as I had never traveled with them as adults.

I was pleasantly surprised that we all had a great time with each other, and the trip went really well.  There was even a time where I said, let’s go snorkeling in Cabo Pulmo (about 2 hours away) and they were okay with the drive.  On the way the road seemed to end and I took the right fork when I should have taken the left fork and got the car stuck in the ditch in the sand.  There was nobody around, and I didn’t have any cell phone data (at that time North America plans didn’t exist yet).  I don’t know why exactly but my partner and my dad pushed the car while I hit the accelerator and we got the car out of the ditch.  After such an incident like that, I’m happy my parents didn’t disown me after such a scary incident. Happy to say, that snorkeling was probably some of the best I’ve ever seen, with a travel adventure to back it up.

Since then I’ve been intentional to travel with my parents as much as possible as I know they are getting older, and there will be a time they won’t be able to travel anymore due to their age or health.  Unfortunately this type of thinking boded true as when my dad passed away, I am grateful that I could travel with him quite a bit.

In March 2020, we scheduled a trip to visit Vietnam all together, and it would have been 27 years since I had last visited.  However at around February 2020 we were getting news that schools in Vietnam were getting shut down due to Covid.  At the time there weren’t hard shut downs, but out of an abundance of caution we cancelled the trip.

In early 2023, my partner proposed we go to Vietnam all together around Thanksgiving time.  My parents initially were going to go, but then declined to hang out with the grandkids.  Initially I was relying on my parents to do a lot of the planning, but now that we were on our own we began doing research on what to do.  My parents not going ended up being fortunate, as my dad got seriously sick around the same time, so it was good he was in North America.

With the Lonely Planet book, I began researching things to do and oddly enough realized that I actually didn’t know much about Vietnam in terms of the cities, regions, or even things to do.  After much research (and talking to my cousins and friends), we decided to stick mainly in the north because it was drier, and the central area was rainy season so we didn’t spend too much time there.

Vietnamese – Forked

We started our trip in the city of Hanoi, which is the capital in the north.  Probably the most important expression everyone learns when visiting a foreign country is, “where is the bathroom?”.  My proficiency in Vietnamese is kind of like a bunch of lego blocks in my head with limited abilities of building certain structures.  Everything kind of comes out in bits and pieces, but at the least I know how to say

Cầu tiêu ở đâu? (Where is the bathroom – but literal translation is ‘where is the toilet’)

Of course the waiter in the restaurant gives me a really confused look, and says, you mean

Nhà vệ sinh ở đâu? (‘Where is the bathroom – but literal translation is ‘where is the hygienic house’)

Now I give the puzzled look as I don’t understand.  I’ve never heard of a bathroom called “Nhà vệ sinh” in my life growing up in Southern California at all.

One of the things which is important to realize is when the refugees came from Vietnam to North America and other parts of the world in 1975, two Vietnamese diaspora now existed in different locations around the world.  One in Vietnam the main branch, and another branch in North America.

Talking to my mom and some relatives about this, my guess is the etymology of “where is the bathroom” in Vietnam pre 1975 probably was “Cầu tiêu”, and that at some time post 1975 it changed to “Nhà vệ sinh”.  Even the English language, has radically changed much in 40 years.  When I talk with the newest generation in high school, there are a bunch of words that I have no idea what they mean.

Soleil Ho, talks about this how Vietnamese food in North America is basically food from Vietnam from the 1970s.  Again, it makes sense because the food traditions were from the initial wave of refugees.

I talked to a good friend living in Vietnam about this, and she mentioned how Vietnamese people living in North America now have a Vietnamese – North American accent.  The Vietnamese spoken in North America comes off as a lighter tone and people in the north consider this tone as someone who has studied formally.

This kind of explains a weird situation I had in a grocery market.  I was asking what was in the center of this candy, and the lady remarked in Vietnamese, “Your Vietnamese is so good, how many years did you study for?”.  Inside I was dying because I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I was an overseas Vietnamese (Việt kiều Mỹ).  I’m sure if she knew that she probably would have instead asked, “why is your Vietnamese so bad?”

The other surprising fork which I hadn’t really considered is how different the northern dialects are different from the southern dialects.  I distinctly recall several friends learning Vietnamese through duolingo, and their parents asking why they are learning the northern accent.  In the eyes of the north, their dialect is often viewed as the gold standard of speaking.  Below are examples of English Word – Northern Vietnamese Dialect – Southern Vietnamese Dialect as explained by one of my friends in Vietnam.

You don’t have to be proficient in Vietnamese just to see these are totally different words.  I am happy to report when I later went to my parent’s hometown Đà Nẵng (central Vietnam), I did have an easier time understanding and speaking to people.

Reconciliation

Maybe it isn’t me not giving Vietnam enough credit, but the museum scene in Hanoi was unexpectedly stellar.  There is the Hoa Lo Prison Museum (made famous where John McCain was held as a POW), Ethnology Museum (about minority populations), Women’s Museum, Ho Chi Minh Museum, and the list actually does go on and on quite a bit.

One day we were kind of tired so we went to a museum right next to the hotel, aptly called the Hanoi Museum.  On the second floor was an exhibit on the American War.  That’s right, in Vietnam, it is not called the Vietnam War, it is called the American War.  Much of the panels were spent talking about Americans as the aggressors, and the breaking of the Paris peace accords.  However, the last panel discussed a lot about reconciliation between Vietnam and America.

It is amazing to me that 40 years later, formerly bitter enemies are now actually allies.  In the midst of some of the grand global conflicts occurring now, it is helpful to have hope that I truly believe anything is possible in terms of peace. 

Hà Giang Loop Tour

From family friends we heard about a trek that was not exactly off the beaten path, but not the first thing tourists do.  There is a 3 day loop tour that most people rent motorcycles and drive up the Ma Li Peng pass bordering China.  Given we didn’t want to be riding motorcycles on mountain roads for 3 days, we booked a 3 day car trip.

We booked with the Yesd travel agency (huge plug for them here, I do recommend this agency), where the tour guides consist of ethnic minorities of the region.  Talking to the guide, there are over 54 ethnic minorities there.  I was kind of shocked, and humbled that I really knew so little of Vietnam.  The drive consisted of driving through spectacular greenery on the mountain roads and we took many stops for photos. 

Our accommodations were at houses belonging to the ethnic tribes in the region.  We first stayed with the Tay people, and I was pretty surprised that our accommodation, despite being on the second floor of a traditional wood structure had a shower, heat pump, and pretty fast wifi.

For dinner, we would eat with the families, and it was nice in a way that it wasn’t performative.  The families didn’t talk about their lives or their minority status.  It was just a regular dinner you would eat with a family.  With the eco-tourism booming there, it’s just easier to act like you normally do when you have visitors and not need to put on a show.

On the second day we did a tour through a Hmong village.  It was rural in its location, but not in the stereotypical sense because everyone there had fancy cell phones.  The Hmong people there still adhered to their traditional of marrying early and their agricultural routines.

We sat down for tea with one of the Hmong shop owners when I noticed he was wearing a French beret.  I kind of asked why he was wearing a beret, and he explained that from French colonial rule, this clothing item was introduced.  Ever since that time, the beret in that region became traditional wear.

Thinking about this further, it really has helped me alter my thinking of the word ‘authentic’.  There is this Vietnamese Instant Pot Facebook group which constantly argues about recipes not being ‘authentic’.  Some claim it is only authentic when it is from the source home country.  Others argue a recipe is authentic when you cater towards the spirit of it.

Rachel Ray a little while back then sowed a bit of controversy from her pho video. 2 years ago people were raging against her, “how dare she change the recipe, that’s not authentic!”.

Coming back the Hmong person I wonder, who is the arbiter of when something is authentic and traditional?  After hearing his story, I think it’s difficult to nail down authenticity to a static period of time.  And that the reality is the traditions change through time, and perhaps there is no such thing as authenticity.

Ha Long Bay

After Ha Giang, we went to Ha Long Bay, a large bay of water where cruise ships sail around for about 1-2 days.  We took a shuttle and from Hanoi the trip was only 2 hours.  Expecting the trip to be a straight shot, I was surprised we stopped half way for a ‘restroom stop’.  The restroom stop was next to a pretty fancy gift shop.

At the check-in area of Ha Long Bay, there were tons of people representing a diverse set of people all over the world similar to an airport.  The check-in area was a bit chaotic and you board a small boat to join the big boat.

On our particular cruise boat, we somehow joined everyone from Portugal as there were probably only two other couples who weren’t from Europe.  We befriended one couple who was from New York while watching a cooking demonstration.  The guy was half Vietnamese and half Indian, which was pretty fascinating to me as I have never met anyone of that mix.  He was willing to entertain some of my questions on which side he felt most comfortable with.  I imagine he probably gets asked this question quite a bit being mixed.

After dinner I stood towards the front of the boat looking at the view and the cruise manager was out there also.  He looked pretty young, probably early 20s so I greeted him with “Chào em” (hello little brother).  In Vietnamese when you talk to anybody you address people relative to the age of your parents, or relative to your own age.  Snafus always happen about people incorrectly assuming age causing people to correct you on how you should address them.

I don’t know if that was a good or bad thing, but he took that as a cue that I was in Vietnamese and began speaking to me in Vietnamese.  I explained to him my Vietnamese wasn’t that great and it was my first time visiting Vietnam since I was 13.   He said something really surprising during the conversation said, “Welcome home, even though you forgot a lot of your Vietnamese, it will come back to you.”

We were pretty mixed about the experience especially coming after an awesome cultural and nature experience from Ha Giang.  Ha Long Bay oddly enough was one of our least favorite parts of our trip more so for the feeling of having a Disneyland type experience of tons of people and long lines. Ha Giang in the next couple years will have a faster road built from Hanoi cutting the drive time to about 2 – 2.5 hours so expect tourism in that region to increase soon.

Da Nang

The last part of our trip was to the central area of Da Nang.  My uncle (my dad’s brother) still lives in Da Nang, and my cousins flew from Saigon to meet us up there.  On the first night being there, they took us out to eat at a famous Banh Xeo place.

Bánh  Xèo is crispy turmeric rice crepe where the ingredients are either chicken, pork, or shrimp.  The name of the dish is a fun play of words roughly translating to sizzling item.  Bánh is kind of a weird weird as it could refer to a lot of things depending on the word it is paired with.  My cousins know I don’t eat pork and shrimp, so I was surprised when they mentioned we could order Beef Banh Xeo.

I inquired further why there is a beef banh xeo, as I never heard of that before.  Apparently because of the Korean influences into the city due to tourism and business, the people of Da Nang began changing their food to cater to the Koreans.  Because of that, a couple new dishes emerged like Banh Xeo Bo and Mi Quang Bo.  The latter dish is traditionally made of chicken, turmeric, and shrimp, but now they made a beef version.  What previously was an authentic dish of only chicken, pork, and shrimp now added beef as an option.

Next to Da Nang is Hoi An, the famous town known for its lanterns at night and on the river.  On the way there, my cousins wanted me to visit a street named after my grandfather, Quach Xan.  I asked what he was known for, and she replied that he was a great leader for the country.  Just kind of putting things together, I know that my dad and his brother had a classic story of joining different sides of the war and that would mean my grandfather was a communist.

I had kind of mixed feelings standing there on the street taking pictures by the street sign with an ode to my family name.  As a great leader to Vietnam, I wonder what he did?  What is interesting about Vietnam is that half of the population was born after the war so it is something that isn’t talked about much.

In Hanoi, we did a walking tour with a student from Hanoi University.  We asked what his generation thought about politics and said that mostly everybody was apolitical and most were concerned more about their economic futures rather than the political state of the country. 

When we think of wars, history tends to paint everything in black and white strokes.  There were the good guys and bad guys.  I inquired about my grandfather a little bit with my mom and the war in general and she said really back then, both sides were rather corrupt, and her opinion was neither side really had the people’s interest at heart.

During my time in Vietnam I had a sense that even with my cousins they didn’t want to talk about the war so it is a topic I didn’t approach.

My cousin gave me a quick history of Da Nang, explaining how the city managed to develop quickly and in general Vietnam has managed to raise the living standards of most people around the country.  Da Nang used to be a poorer city, but not has attracted a lot of foreign business and tourists.

After the visit to my grandfather’s street we arrived in Hoi An.  Half the city had been flooded (which apparently is pretty typical), so we walked around the areas we could.  Hoi An is recommended by everyone to visit via people and guidebooks, but I found the city a bit touristy, almost something akin to Venice in Italy.  It was overly crowded and touristy by day and early night, but as further nightfall set, there was a charm to the city as the crowds dissipated.

Áo Dài

On the last day of the trip there, I wanted to buy an áo dài (literally translates to long dress).  It is a traditional Vietnamese dress that has gone through its own evolution.  Originally it was only available in blue and red, but as time has progressed different fabrics, styles, and colors have emerged to make it more modern.

My cousin took me to a mini mall to shop around, and after great negotiation, I bought one that was beautifully hand decorated with a bit more of a modern sensibility.  I asked my cousins how often they wear it, and they said not often at all.  People used to wear it regularly growing up, but now it really is worn on very rare occasions.  They continued to tell me that people now don’t even own any, they just rent it when they need it for pictures on occasions such as weddings.

Growing up I never wore an ao dai, and I kind of wonder why now do I feel the need to reconnect with this item.  I wore it for the first time two years ago at international day at church where I asked to borrow my dad’s ao dai.  It was very traditionally blue, and I think it was made of silk with a hat.  It was a bit janky and needed a bunch of pins to hold it in place.  I still have it at home next to the new one I bought from Vietnam, and I have a bit of sadness when I look at the blue ao dai as since my dad is no longer around I’m not really sure what to do with it.  My intention was to give it back to him last year, but that never came to fruition.

I wore the new áo dài during Lunar New Year at church last year. Having grown up in an all-Vietnamese church, I’ve adjusted surprisingly quickly to being one of only a few Vietnamese people in my church in Vancouver. This transition makes me wonder: am I simply flexible with my identity, or is it still core to my heart?”

Some Closing Thoughts

Overall Vietnam was not what I initially expected. English for the most part was readily accessible, and everyone super kind. Food scene wise, we mostly stuck to what was advertised on the Vietnam Lonely Planet Book (which was a good foundation of exploring), and friend’s recommendations. We found the high-end food scene in Hanoi spectacular

Food in Hanoi

• Cồ Đàm Chay – Vegetarian Tasting Menu
• Luk Lak Restaurant
• Marou Chocolate

Hanoi Things to Do In Advance

• Book the water puppet show in advance as early as possible. It is a free reservation so there is no harm

Customs

• Be aware for North America there is a requirement of a visa in advance. You can do this through an e-portal, although the site looked like it was made during the geocities era. Using one of the passport apps on your phone of taking a photo worked for us. If you plan to do multiple visits, there is a better multiple-entry visa you can get in your local country, otherwise a single entry works.
• https://evisa.xuatnhapcanh.gov.vn/trang-chu-ttdt

Transit
In terms of getting around, the Grab app is essential. It is pretty much the Uber of Vietnam, but we had a lot of problems of using our foreign North American cards so be sure to bring multiple to get the app to work.

Sim Cards

This is a pretty big problem in the touristy cities. Sim Cards at the airport can be about 4-5x more expensive so you have to go a little bit outside of the main tourist areas to get regular rates. Be comforted though that they rip everyone off equally, locals and foreigners.

Tours

The most memorable trip we did was with Yesd, and we booked the 4 days, 3 nights with a car through Ha Giang

https://yesd.org/ha-giang-comfort-car-ride/

Money

As in all SE Asian countries, you get a better exchange rate if you bring brand new crisp bills. Any bills which have rips or tears get deducted at money exchangers.

Fish Sauce

The Vincom markets have a totally different selection of fish sauce you get from North America. Here the fanciest one we have is Red Boat 40, but they have several brands similar to that there which are able half the price. However, bringing fish sauce home is quite the risky endeavor.

Hope
I was happy to hear that throughout the country was a sense of hope. What I mean is most people seem optimistic about the future economic opportunities and that living standards have gradually improved throughout the years.